I’m starting to see the ghosts of my past in the reflections of her future. And I’m worried she’s starting to figure out who I really am.
I can’t stop her from growing up. I can’t protect her from all the painful truths she has to learn from this world.
I can’t always hide the fact I’m not the hero she’s always believed me to be. That I’m mostly just an imposter who happens to be better at McGyvering his way through situations than most.
I remember when I learned the truth about my dad. I was 30. It turned my head inside out. But that was different. I think.
She’s only 12, though. Hopefully I’ve got time.
Each day she gets older I’m afraid she’ll respect me less and less as she figures me out more and more. That I’m seriously making this up as I go. That I doubt myself almost every step of the way. That I’m just now figuring out how to adult. That I’ve lied to her. That I’ve let her mom down on more than one occasion. That I’ll eventually do the same to her.
That I’m just another average man who thinks, speaks, and acts like every other average man. That all those things I warn her about and train her to fight are found within me.
But is it really so bad if she sees through my disguise?
I mean, it’s the truth. This is who her dad really is. And isn’t that what I’ve been training her to do? To seek out truth?
But I’ve also tried to teach her to not be quick to judge. To see herself in every person in every situation. To forgive.
I pray she remembers that when it comes to me..
Man, being a dad is a total mindf@*k.
But, oh, what a beautiful mindf@*k.
Maybe you can relate.